Jimmy peaks around the corner in back of the store listening to the con from the grifter. He is still full of hope that his father will not be taken in, but he is hiding because he knows his father has a pattern of being a "sucker" and hiding is part of shame.
This is what young Jimmy is witnessing, his father and the grifter. He is hearing the con hoping his father will stand up for himself. All boys want their father to be strong!
Jimmy's father listens, but cannot hear the con. Why? How could a business owner be so naive? What does this say about Jimmy's dad? All of this is part of the "death by a 1000 paper cuts" we have all experienced in our lives.
Jimmy's hope turns to disgust and disappointment in his father. This is a horrible feeling. Jimmy is ashamed of his father at this point. This is where detachment comes from. It is here that the rebellious child is the most honest in the family. Unlike his older brother Chuck that cannot face this reality and lives in the denial that his father was a "saint" of a man!
This is memory! We all have these memories buried inside of us but most cannot recall, but we have a reaction to events that trigger these memories. Jimmy sees his father being taken. He feels helpless. He wants to rescue his father and will interrupt this con by calling his father to his side.
The con has been completed and his father not only was willing to give the grifter the $5, but offer him $10! Then he will believe the con and go in the back of the store to get him spark plugs. Giving him the money was bad enough, but to believe his con to the point of getting spark plugs and helping this con artist with his car was too much! Jimmy sees his father as a dope at this point, and worse off, so does the community. Jimmy is about to tell his dad his store is known for being an "easy handout" and his dad can't accept this.
Jimmy pleads with his dad as the grifter watches and waits. His dad cannot hear the truth. This is how shame blocks us to see reality. There is nothing complicated about this situation. Jimmy's father carries shame and will pass it onto the next generation but Jimmy is too strong to play this game. He sees through the con and instead of going into denial, he fights back. This is why the more rebellious child in the family is actually the strongest.
Despite Jimmy's warning, his dad gives the grifter the money...and adds another $5 to the pot! To add insult to emotional injury, his dad gives him more money and is about to get him spark plugs and offer him help with his car--a car that does not exisit while Jimmy watches all of this go down...AGAIN!
The shift in energy. Jimmy now sees his father was weak and gullible. He lost respect. This is the turning point in every child's life. The moment. Fight or flight. Jimmy will face reality, but the loss of respect will cause him to vent his hurt and anger by stealing from the cash register the money this grifter uses to pay for two cartons of smokes.
While Jimmy's clueless father is looking for spark plugs, Jimmy "man's the til" and the grifter asks for two cartons of Kool cigarettes. Jimmy boldly says, "Money first"--this is strength. Rather than feel emasculated and in fear of this grifter who conned his gullible father, Jimmy faces him as a young boy. This is a very strong personality.
Jimmy watches the grifter who conned his father with a sob story of having no money and a broken down car trying to visit his sick son open his wallet with plenty of money. He is not naive that there are adults who are "wolves" in this world. The arrogance of this grifter and lack of shame to open his wallet thinking this is just a kid, and while his father is away, the grifter shows his true colors. Jimmy sees that adults can be deceptive--they can act humble and in desperate need in one moment, but really be liars and prey on the weak just moments later. A powerful experience for a 10yo boy who has to live with a father who simply cannot and will not accept this reality of human nature as the "hopeless idealist"--something his brother Chuck see as virtuous and Jimmy sees as pathetic!
Jimmy gives the grifter his smokes after he gets the $8 for two cartons and then the grifter will tell him a tale that there are two kinds of people in this world, wolves and sheep asking him--"Which one will you be?"-- then calming walks out the front door. Knowing you have been ripped off and taken is a gut wrenching feeling, but knowing your dad has been taken with a man standing right in front of you is much worse!
Jimmy watches on as his father tries to help the grifter with his car outside, still clueless to the con. He sits alone feeling disgust and anger, more over his father being so naive than the grifter's con. It is here the child becomes the adult--a very unnatural role and in order for this to happen, the child has to lose all respect for the parent. Jimmy sees his father as weak, a joke in the community...ashamed of his father!
Jimmy takes out his anger towards his father by stealing the $8 paid for the two cartons of smokes. He takes exactly $8. This is the only way he can feel empowered after feeling emasculated. His anger his towards his father, not the grifter at this point. This is rebellion. If Jimmy was caught, all of the true emotions of this story would be lost. All the focus would be on Jimmy stealing--Jimmy is bad with little insight as to WHY Jimmy stole the money. If Jimmy's father is in such denial of who he is, how can he understand why Jimmy took the money. This is the "bad loop" of family! This is why 40 years later there is still no true understanding of the WHY. Chuck, Jimmy's older brother in the show is a very successful lawyer and will hold this against Jimmy 40 years later! He will say, "Our father was a saint and you stole from him!" It is here we see two siblings move in totally opposite directions. Chuck sees the "law" as sacred and devoted his entire life to keeping the law pure and holy. Jimmy sees life very differently. Both coming from the same family dynamic. One in denial and the other in rebellion. That is the story of shame! Which brother is more honest and in reality, Chuck or Jimmy?
Jimmy counts out the $8 and is about to pocket it while his father is still chasing an illusion outside.
Jimmy now sits in disgust and anger over the entire transaction. He took the money and feels guilt, but his feeling of disgust for his father is much stronger. He is ashamed of his father! His father is weak, a coward...naive! This is his true emotion and feeling towards his father...imagine the next scene when his father comes back inside wondering where the grifter went! Imagine what Jimmy will feel. Imagine the next conversation of Jimmy pleading that his father was conned and his father's pride not accepting this and going deeper into denial. There is more disconnection and more "death by a 1000 paper cuts" for this young boy who will grow further and further from trust and intimacy with his father leaving him feeling all alone with an older brother who cannot face who his father really is.
In the show we see Jimmy as an adult shift his focus on trying to please and find acceptance with his father (the natural desire) and shift this need for acceptance to his older brother Chuck--his older and very successful brother. This is typical. He will spend years trying to find favor with Chuck only to get rejected over and over again. Chuck is not his father, he is his older brother who has not dealt with his shame towards his father living in denial and illusion which is why he cannot "give it up" to Jimmy as an adult.
When Jimmy finally gets his act together and goes to law school, the first person he wants to show his letter of passing the bar exam to is Chuck...and Chuck reluctantly gives him a shallow and congenial congratulation. Chuck feels disgust that Jimmy would even attempt to follow in his footsteps. Jimmy is a screw-up, a failure, and he now represents what he feels is sacred (the law)...anathema! Chuck cannot get past his younger brother stealing from his father and now he represents the very thing he has spent his entire life on keeping pure--the law! All Jimmy wants is his older brother to feel proud of him and Chuck cannot give it to him.
This is the tragic loop of shame from one generation to the next!
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