The first feeling or reaction--feelings are hard to define--and something that makes sense, it triggers many memories and experiences all at once. The end result almost always the fear of being exposed.
In the introduction to this site, I share an experience of sitting in a staff meeting and your name is called. There is a panic inside. This is what I refer to. It is being the child in the supermarket and you reach for mommies hand and she isn't there and you panic. It might be avoiding ever being exposed so you make sure your auto insurance has every possible option for towing service because if your car breaks down you don't have to risk calling a "friend" who might not be there when you need them the most--exposure and vulnerability. How many people live their entire lives like this--addicted to security simply because they are afraid to be rejected and this fear is felt so deep inside you will do anything to ever encounter it?
So...the question is simple: What is fueling this fear? I argue it is associated with shame and in almost every case, when you try to share this with someone, they will never understand because you might not understand! You don't even know the WHY! This is the "double-blind" of shame. If you do risk discussing whatever the fear might be, then you risk rejection and misunderstanding or being categorized to a simple a solution which makes the other person feel in control. Control issues abound here!
A person wrapped in shame is like wearing a winter jacket in the desert who is suffering daily. They are being bombarded internally and externally. This is why addiction and shame go hand-in-hand...relief is needed and immediately! The cycle of addiction then takes a life of its own. In most "Anonymous Groups" the focus is on the specific addiction. Share your addiction story. Most would agree fear is a core underbelly, but shame is rarely addressed. It is alluded to, but rarely addressed. I believe we need a "Shame Group" with strong guidelines and the ability to set up in any city and town like an AA group. This would allow people to share their shame story even if they are not sure what that really means, because the shame story is there!
I have embedded move and TV clips on the Home page of this site that really cut to the chase. They are perfect tools to have discussion. Sadly, our culture will really only deal with shame publicly from afar. We watch the movie or TV show, read the novel or fictional book, but it stops there.
Even the "mental health profession" is so disconnected to discussing shame because of the "double-blind" issue discussed above. How can a counselor or "professional" move into the life of another when they have not dealt with their own shame story? This is the sad reality of many people seeking help living in quiet and not-so-quiet desperation. Getting a degree does not mean you understand! In fact, for many it might be a way to keep distance and part of the shame entrapment is to seek out a career that allows you to work out your shame issues from a distance. I witnessed this working in dog rescue. The abandoned spend their life rescuing the abandoned, yet will rarely ever discuss their own abandonment. It is just easier to transfer this energy.
I have seen this over and over again! I believe this is the case with those who seek higher education in psychology or psychiatry. They are drawn to these professions but have not donetheir own hard work! Thus, they are in positions of power, making intense judgments on others from a distance, even writing prescriptions for powerful medications. Then there is the world that simply believe medication is the solution which communicates even more shame. The message is; "I am defected" and "It is not my fault because I have a disease."
When I reflect on this topic of shame, I always come back to this core equation: "We are WE before we are I" What this means is the family is the core foundation that energizes so many of the dysfunctions we experience. Watch the All in the Family clip on the Home page again. It is very powerful! Look how Archie dealt with his child abuse and the impact it had on his entire life? If you are a fan of the show, the impact is far more intense. You have grown to really know this character called Archie and who he is, all his weakness and all the energy he spends hiding. How his shame controls his political views, how he relates to family, how he is verbally abusive to his own wife and highly insensitive.
It is here we see why it is SO difficult to deal with shame as we get older. There are few things more painful than developing an awareness that your entire life has been controlled by your developmental years to your abuse--why you quit school, married the co-dependent spouse, raised your kids, took that safe job, drank, have suffered so much and in the end feel so alone. It is devastating!
Things get worse! What if your faith doesn't embrace shame? Not only are you dealing with dysfunctional family issues, but your are shamed by your faith as well.
Imagine being a young man who was sexually abused by a trusted friend, a mentor, a counselor who had this intensity others noticed, but channeled in creative ways, maybe musically or intellectually. This young man finds solace in a faith in college, the evangelical church. He experiences a safe family for the first time. He cannot talk to his own family because of their shame "double-blind" dynamics, so he experiences acceptance like a boy in the inner city does joining a gang. For a few years, all is well. Yet, his inner shame issues do not magically disappear. As time goes on he witnesses his friends getting married and developing careers, but he is still "searching" and "seeking" and the isolation grows and grows. He starts creating stories to deal with this isolation,
Here is where this story gets really complicated, this young man believes he might be going to hell. His faith informs him of a belief system and he takes this very seriously. Most would say he is a leader, very sincere, will go as deep as you want, reaches out to others, but he is wrestling with his own "sin" and grace is hard to experience. Others can experience grace, he preaches grace, but for himself, well, he is too far gone. This is shame at work! When he tries to get "help" he risks getting vulnerable with those in positions of power like a pastor only to be misunderstood and lectured with a "one size fits all" approach to counseling. He walks out feeling worse!
There is an extremely powerful movie that unpacks this type of story titled, The Unsaid. The title itself says it all! The "UNSAID"--do not talk about THIS, or I cannot talk about this or there is no place to talk about this and even if there was, it is so difficult to talk about because of shame, it so the shame story goes UNSAID.I cannot express how true this is and how people in positions of power--teachers, pastors, parents, counselors at this crucial point will flip-flop the conversation rather than have the faith to say there is something here I do not understand...there is something going on here that is much deeper than we understand! If a leader simply had the faith to embrace the unknown, healing would take place and the process could have life rather than shutting the door, better yet, slamming the door on the victim, then wonder why they self-destruct afterwards! Tragic...and this is the norm!
I once offered this movie to a man who led a men's community. His entire life was devoted to men's issues and he never watched it. He never connected the dots or maybe, he refused to watch it because he knew it would hit too close to home. Either way, it was a great disappointment. Once again, we have a man in a position of leadership who cannot face his own issues. You cannot impart what you don't possess.
Now, here is where it really gets sad. There was a man in this community who had the same thing happened to him as the young man in this movie. He would sit in this leader's home each week in group, he was a few feet away from him carrying the exact same issue! This again is part of the "double-blind" issue at work. A man who is in a position of leadership offering other men the opportunity to finally get vulnerable with their lives ignore or overlook subject matter while a man in his home is carrying this very issue!
I am here to say these type of men can hurt others as deeply as a perpetrator can! It is better to play poker on Tuesday nights than start a men's group if you are not qualified, and so many "faith-based" groups are too shallow and can hurt others. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, especially when we are dealing with shame issues! I argue the church has failed so miserably that people have no other option than to seek the "mental health professional" and in many of these faith-based churches, they are condemned for going "outside the faith!" Think about this...a person is suffering within a faith based community, crying out for help, demonstrating many of the behaviors of someone suffering only to be rejected and when they seek outside help, they are shamed all the more! This is happening right now with someone you might know!
I have a very successful friend who made a statement that sums this up well. In a rare time of sharing (I have known this man for many years) he opened up about his family. I was shocked at the level of dysfunction surrounding him. He said, "I don't care about why...", and my first thought was, "That is a safe and convenient why to go through life and never have to deal with any problems with those surrounding or orbiting your planet. By saying, "I don't care about why" he is saying he will never offer any real support or compassion, empathy or care...but he will offer harsh judgment and have little power to enter these people's lives. He will have NO real solutions other than to take responsibility for your life, grow up, or some other simplke soultion that makes him feel back in control of his life.
What makes this so tragic is this type of father can have a son who is carrying very deep pain and he is absent. Now, we are back to the movie The Unsaid. I argue as time goes on, a father will refuse to look deeper because of all the guilt he carries knowing he could have helped his own son years ago when he simply was not sensitive enough to SEE what was right in front of him! That is why the men's group leader story above is really serious. This is a man who is supposed to SEE! A counselor or pastor is supposed to SEE...and I argue every son or daughter hopes their parent SEES...and when we realize they do not, we experience abandonment and rejection and quickly seek another family subsititute or become the loner. The shame dynamic in the home then develops family roles and it is not uncommon to have both the over-achiever and loner in the same family.
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