Welcome!
You are here because life isn't working. You know something is wrong inside. Life is complicated. Habits seem to produce the same results, the same downward spiral. Hopelessness is a word peppered in your journal. This sight is just for you. It is all about whatever goes on in your head and heart, what your deepest feelings hold. It is about finding freedom from YOU. Most likely, you experienced a down turn recently. You hit a bottom. You are sad and depressed. The cycle of depression, anxiety, and excitement is your story. You are confused about love and relationships. You are tired of being tired. You see a counselor or therapist. You want to go to church, but sit feeling all alone. You see others live life and wonder when it will be your time. Your deepest cry is, "Where is God when I need Him?" I could go on. Why are you really here? This is a place to finally get totally honest about your life!
All of us suffer from shame. It is part of the human condition. But for some of us, it is toxic and our whole identity. We don't know why we are the way we are. We get along with others, but feel alone inside most of the time. We isolate and have developed habits that only reinforce our loneliness. We are the ones who can fly with others, but ask why others can't fly with us.
I'm here to tell you the problem is shame. It resides so deep within, you just accept it as normal. There is a lot of pain that keeps your shame alive inside. Facing shame is a different struggle. We are used to struggle. Now we must struggle with the right part of life to release shame's toxic power on our lives.
The following will take time to digest. I suggest investing at least one month. Read this over and over. Whatever speaks to you, make note. Copy and paste these pages into a document and highlight your story. We must face our story. We must stop waiting to be rescued. It is this energy that causes us to fail in relationships. We demand something from others which always falls short and feels empty. We are selfish even when we don't want to be. We have reasoned, "If others only could see the world like I do we would all get along!" We wear coverings of personality to survive, but want to crawl in bed to hide. We have used ways to fill the sadness, but over time, the guilt and emptiness only makes us feel more desperate.
We need to be saved from ourselves. This requires humility. This is also why those who need to read this will not. They still think they are in control of life. Life is still manageable for them. Once you understand shame, you will see more clearly than ever before. You will have to walk in gentleness with others. Once you dig deep into your own life, you will have a power others will seek. This is like watching a great musician. They have taken years to develop their skills. Most can only admire them because we all know that if we picked up our favorite instrument, we are unable to play the music in our hearts, so we pay to see others play the music we love. I am here to say it is time you play the instrument, and that instrument is you! Shame has been the inner block that has caused you so much frustration and pain.
There is hope! Your soul wants to experience hope. Hope sustains. When we rebuild the inner self, we stop spending so much energy trying to change others and the world. One of the hardest transitions for you will be letting go of what you think is your purpose. Maybe you are a manager of a store or a nurse or... Your whole existence has been to impact others. People compliment you. This is your badge of identity. "I am a person that makes a difference!" But your life is way out of balance. You are left empty inside, filling the hole with food, drugs, pills, sex, alcohol, the gym, reading...it doesn't matter...you always need something to look forward to, but over time, it doesn't satisfy. This is the turning point. In order for life to work, we either dim our inner light (some call this acceptance) or intensify the fuel we used to get by. Both do not work! We will still be a slave of selfishness because deep down we cannot accept who we are and thus cannot experience the intimacy we crave.
This site is all about explaining the WHY of life and offering solution. I am a Christian. Whatever your "Higher Power" solution is this information will make a difference. It will turn all the lights of WHY on bright! You will need a "Higher Power" and it must offer hope to our human condition. I offer a solution section for both the Christian and non-Christian. Just allow God to guide you in the NOW. Walk by faith for the time being as you read. Trust is very hard for those suffering with shame. Receiving love is as well. This will make sense as you spend time on yourself, investing in you. Shame-based people struggle with taking care of themselves. We don't feel we are worth it. This doesn't mean you don't try to stay in shape and eat right. It means you probably burn out and go through cycles of all or nothing. Your story is unique to you. The bigger story embraces us all, but we need to work out our own stories! This is where we have taken short-cuts all our lives. Now it is time to STOP and get to know YOU! When we know who we are, we can then move towards others without expectation and in freedom to not demand others make us feel better about who we are. We can serve others because we have something to offer, ourselves! This is the opposite of being co-dependent. The key to change is faith! That is why your "Higher Power" is crucial and must allow you to trust something much greater than yourself when you and I feel desperate. When we run to something, we make that our power source, and it will satisfy, but only for a moment and we are right back with self again. People can spend their entire lives cycling like this, but the "power source" will take over and you will become a slave to it. This is the heart of addiction.
When we face our shame, we will balance out emotionally. No more highs and lows. Anxiety will reduce. We will be able to face life on life's terms. The issue is not life, the issue is us! We need to develop a whole new identity of self and I argue it is shame that has robbed you of self all your life thus far. It is the inner demon, the trickster, the great liar of the soul! Most of us are not aware of how many lies we believe about ourselves. Positive thinking helps, but it only adds a layer over shame. We need to remove the shame and pull out its toxic roots! This is hard. It is painful. It is your life. It is time to be free of the shame that binds you.
What makes shame so intense is it lives deep inside the heart. It swims like a shark in our emotions. Its message is so powerfully felt. We usually see this as fear. But shame is the fuel for the fear in most cases.
A simple example of the inner workings of shame:
The message of shame is always self-condemning. I am ________!!! It becomes toxic when it is felt as an identity, who we are. Many times, there is not an awareness of this because we avoid ever putting ourselves in positions to reveal or tap into the shame/fear spiral, but life has a way of leading us to places we try to avoid. The classic illustration is public speaking. You are in a staff meeting and the person of authority calls out your name unexpectedly, "Will ______ please share with us how ____________ takes place?" As you hear your name, you feel cold and faint. Panic grips your soul. Being exposed to your peers feels like death. You can't focus or think. Words escape you. You are consumed with you in this moment. How can I ever face these people again? What will they think of me? How can I come to work tomorrow? I have to quit my job. How will I survive? I will never get a job again. I am doomed. I just want to run from this place. I will fake an illness. People will see right through me...and on and on. All of this fires through your mind in a second and you feel all of these emotions at once. The deeper the trauma, the more intense the experience!
Once you face this fear (the surface emotion felt) you will usually say afterwards, "Wow...that wasn't as bad as I thought! I made a mountain out of a molehill." This is progress, but it does not look at the WHY. Why did you feel all of what you felt when called out by your boss or... The story is just life on life's terms. Yes, you worked through it, but WHY did you freak out when you felt exposed? When you felt vulnerable? Most people spend their entire lives avoiding vulnerability. My point is simple: What is the drive behind all the fear. Again, I argue it is shame that is hidden deep within.
What is hidden deep inside of you? Shame has a root branch. For some, it might be a one time moment of deep hurt. For most, it is what I refer to as, "Death by a 1000 paper cuts." We all carry both accounts, the moment and the ongoing shame experience and each story has its own intensity level. Facing shame releases its power, but it can be very painful. This is why a support group or friend is needed along with faith. This is also why so few people deal with shame. It is just easier to avoid it unless life crashes in because of addictions or a pattern of failures making life impossible. Some survive shame by controlling others and using their personality to override it, hiding behind power. This might have been a parent. Your sibling is like your parent, but you, the sensitive one, are just the opposite. Shame is fueling both siblings, but one seems to survive better than the other. I argue, both are sick with shame.
After reading this site, you will understand your family dynamic like never before and hopefully for the first time let go of all the pressure and weight you have been holding thinking you were at fault or the weak one or the flake or the failure. It was not your fault, but you/we are still responsible for our own lives! This is why we need to move from shame to freedom and live our OWN lives maybe for the first time! The hard part is facing those who hurt us, as for most, it is family. This is why shame is so multi-generational. For most of life, families lived close together. How do you separate from that life source and gain your true independence when the family system tries to keep you in chains to these family patterns. It is really hard to break free. You will be judged as not being part of the tribe. The rebellious one. The more free you are, the more impact you will have and God will allow you to have the insight to help someone else and live in lightness over darkness.
A prayer of encouragement each time you read:
"God, open my eyes and heart. I give myself permission to be free. I am worth the effort. I will not rely on feelings. Inform both my heart and mind. Speak to me. I want to to be free of me. I will need Your strength. Please bring one other person into my life I can talk with about life as I discover who I am and why I carry all this weight inside. I need support. Give me patience with myself. Help me to forgive myself, others who hurt me. Help me to accept myself and what cards you gave me in this life. Help me to take courage and find trust both in myself and in others and in You. I am ready to change!"
What is SHAME?
Shame says there is something wrong with ME. It hides itself deep within and has many layers. It is there whether you feel it or not. The issue is to what degree. If you hang in there, you will be surprised how much shame plays a major part of your life. It is the heart of all addictions!
Shame Vs Guilt
Guilt says I did something wrong. Shame says there is something wrong with me. Toxic shame needs to be sharply distinguished from guilt (guilt can be healthy or toxic). Healthy guilt is the emotional core of our conscience. It is emotion which results from behaving in a manner contrary to our beliefs and values.
Guilt presupposes internalized rules and develops later than shame. Guilt is developmentally more mature than shame. Guilt does not reflect directly upon one's identity or diminish one's sense of personal worth. It flows from an integrated set of values.
A person with guilt might say, 'I feel awful seeing that I did something which violated my values.' Or the guilty person might say, 'I feel sorry about the consequences of my behaviors.' In so doing the person's values are reaffirmed The possibility of repair exists and learning and growth are promoted. While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person. The possibility for repair seems foreclosed to the shameful person because shame is a matter of identity, not of behavioral infraction. There is nothing to be learned from it and no growth is opened by the experience because it only confirms one's negative feelings about oneself.
Healthy Shame
Healthy shame lets us know we are limited. It tells us that to be human is to be limited and finite. We are not God. Limitation is our essential nature. Healthy shame signals us about our limits and gives us structure. Structure allows us to develop a boundary system within which we safely operate. Structure gives our lives form. Boundaries and form offer us safety and allow a more efficient use of energy. Healthy shame keeps us grounded and gives us permission to be human.
This is very basic, but it all starts here.
How shame shows itself?
There is something wrong in me
I feel unworthy
I feel invisible
I feel a part of me is unacceptable
I am self-conscious
I feel embarrassed about sharing my feelings
I isolate and hide
I don't measure up
I am a perfectionist
I am performance oriented
I blame others
I beat myself up or am too hard on myself
I try real hard at everything
I am tired all the time
I feel lost
I feel confused
I feel anxious
This is just the introduction. Shame reaches much deeper and the pain we experience from it will amaze you! Keep reading. I will layer shame piece-by-piece rather than dive into the deep end.
Shame and Mental Health
Shame is the affect which is the source of many complex and disturbing inner states: depression, alienation, self-doubt, anxiety, insomnia, isolating loneliness, paranoid and schizoid phenomena, compulsive disorders, splitting of the self, perfectionism, a deep sense of inferiority, inadequacy or failure, the so-called borderline conditions and disorders of narcissism. It is the main fuel for all addictions!