Shame Breaks Trust

Shame and Childhood: "We" before "I"--The crucial starting point
Discussing childhood can make many feel uncomfortable.  If you want to jump to solutions, skipping this section will interrupt healing.  Hang in there.  Part of understanding shame is to understand our family because this is where it all started, and also can hold the most pain.  You are not alone.  Imagine a room full of people with you now, all reading this together for the first time.  You are not alone!  If you were like me, you want to "get fixed now."  You want a solution depending on the level of discomfort you are in.  This is very normal. 

What We ALL Needed 
All children need to establish a sense of basic trust. This basic trust must be greater than his sense of mistrust. We can understand healthy shame best by understanding this trust stage of development.  We needed to know from the beginning that we could trust the world. This might sound so basic, but the level of trust we experienced directly links to the shame we carry.  It can be VERY painful to get in touch with how we might have been neglected.  This is why shame needs to be unpacked slowly and gently.  The key here is if a child had a healthy shame-based family foundation, the external difficulties experienced would not have had such a traumatic impact.  

For the child with a healthy family, when teased at school, "You're fat!" bounces off them.  It stings, it hurts, but it doesn't not control them.  The accuser does not hold enough power to devastate.  This child can cry to mom and be comforted and reassured.  The primary caregiver uses their position of power to heal the child.  When there is not the healthy foundation, the accuser then has too much power and the hurt becomes internalized.  The child living in an unhealthy shame-based family then is obsessed with how to avoid the shaming situation.  This child is "fat" and cannot change this quickly, so they become the "nice kid" or the "helper" and develop co-dependent characteristics.  In order to be "accepted" and avoid pain, they must then become (_____), which includes being the bully or "mean kid."  It works both ways.  The unhealthy shame-based parent will overreact or underreact.  They will try to take control by calling the school, yelling at the teacher, making threats.  They use their position of power to attack because they have no inner tools to comfort and support their child.  Or, they will blow it off.  "Don't worry about what kids say" and the child will once again be all alone without emotional support.  The parent(s) cannot face the real story of their own shame and thus have no real healing power within.  The child is now devastated on both ends, at school and at home with a message burned within, "I am unworthy as I am, I am a mistake."  Unhealthy parents have no clue the position of power they hold in the life of their child because they are consumed with their own problems fueled by fear and shame.  What was your story?

Our reaction to life reveals our inner foundation.  This opens up tremendous insight as to why some children are so prone to difficulties.  Most have such a poor family foundation rooted in toxic shame.  These children must have a "gang" to fill the desperate need for family.  Another child might pour into sports or academics and this becomes their surrogate family.  It gets extremely complex.  We all need a family and that is our common identity.  It is also our common root of shame.  The difference is a matter of intensity or degree.

Where Did Our Basic Trust Come From?
The world came to us first in the form of our primary caretakers, for most of us, our parents. We needed to know that we could count on someone outside of us to be there for us in a predictable manner. If we had a caretaker who was mostly predictable, and who touched us and mirrored all our behaviors, we developed a sense of basic trust. 

When security and trust are present, we begin to develop an interpersonal bond, which forms a bridge of mutuality. Such a bridge is crucial for the development of self worth. The only way a child has of developing a sense of self is through a relationship with another. We are "we" before we are "I".

Did you feel disconnected as a child?  Do you feel that way now?  Do you struggle with intimacy?  Is trust a difficult part of your life?  Were you a loner as a kid?  Was connecting with others difficult?  Did you feel safe as a child?  Did you move frequently only adding to your loneliness? 

I cannot overemphasize this primary relationship!  We are "we" before we are "I" is the root behind our disorders and the foundation we all had which is in the home through our primary caretakers.  This is the "death by a 1000 paper cuts" that we have tucked away or accepted as normal.  Most have little awareness of how much toxic shame they carry based on these developmental years. 

In this earliest stage of life, we can only know ourselves in the mirroring eyes of our primary caretakers. Each of us needed a relational bridge with our primary caretaker in order to grow.  It must be said here that our parents can never fully have met all our needs.  This is why the "Higher Power" is so crucial.  I argue, we all need a Heavenly Parent and a new Heavenly family (this should be the church) embracing a new identity.  So even those in a very healthy family still live in a fallen world prone to all the challenges we all face thus leveling the playing field.  The obvious question asked is, "Why did our parents not meet our needs?"  If this is the place we all need to develop a healthy "I" then there must be something wrong in the design!  It is so obvious, and so missed.  We usually do not ask questions if there is no solution.  I will leave it at that here, but do argue, whatever "Higher Power" or "faith" you embrace must have an answer to these questions that nag the soul.  This need for a "new family" is one strong reason the Anonymous groups work and why a child attaches more strongly to something outside the family or to self (the isolated loner personality). 

Think of your family.  It is here our mother had a primary role in our life.  Without feeling like you are dishonoring your mother (this is very hard for some of us. we feel it is wrong to criticize our mother.  we need to separate our beliefs at this point and focus on the data we all experienced).  The key is to focus on your primary caretaker.  This could be mother, father, grandmother, nanny, whomever.  Replace mother below with who comes to mind if applicable.

Helpful to use a journal here...

What made you feel connected to your mother?
What annoyed you about your mother?
If you could sum up most of your arguments, it would be boiled down to _______________ ?

Another way to get in touch here is to look at either feelings or judgments.  All of us had strong feelings and judgments towards our mother.  This is an insight to the shame we carry inside.  The level of shame discussed here came from someone.  That is the point--to unpack the shame from its primary source.  In order to forgive (solution) we have to bring to awareness these strong feelings and judgements we carry.

What primary feelings did or do you have towards your mother? It might sound like this;
"I felt anger"
"I felt blank"
"I felt empty"
"I felt anxious"
"I felt invisible"

What primary judgements did or do you have towards your mother?  It might sound like this;
"I judge mom to be unfair"
"I judge mom to be insensitive"
"I judge mom to be shallow"
"I judge mom to be self-conscious"
"I judge mom to be critical" 

This could be done for father or any primary caretaker that was in your life. 

The relationship between child and caretaker gradually evolves out of mutual interest along with shared experiences of trust. Actually trust is fostered by the fact that we come to expect and rely on the mutuality of response. As trust grows, an emotional bond is formed. 

The emotional bond allows the child to risk venturing out to explore the world. This bond becomes an interpersonal bridge between child and caretaker. The bridge is the foundation for mutual growth and understanding. The interpersonal bridge is strengthened by certain experiences we have come to accept and depend on. The other person, our primary caretaker, becomes significant in the sense that the person's love, respect and care for us really matters. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable in that we allow ourselves to need the other person.  Once basic trust has been established, the child is in a position to develop shame. The shame may be healthy or toxic.

How vulnerable could you be with your mother?
How much trust did you experience?
How much time did your mother spend with you?
Did you feel valued by her?
Did you respect your mother?
How much time did you spend talking about your life?
Did you feel heard by her?
How vulnerable could you be with her in elementary school? 
Other thoughts that come to mind?