Cousin Virgil

"Cousin Virgil" is an episode of The Andy Griffith Show in which Barney's awkward cousin visits and makes a mess of everything he tries. When Andy finds something that Virgil is good at, he finds a way to teach him self-confidence.  Yes, Virgil lacks self-confidence, but why?  We need to look deeper to unpack what emotions control his behavior and outlook.

This is a great episode confirming how shame takes on a part of identity.  Once shame is embedded so deeply it impacts identity, then one's entire world view is skewed.  In the case of Virgil, it controlled how he works and what type of career he chose.  

Imagine if performance anxiety is so great you can only execute in isolation, away from criticism and perceived pressure.  We hear Virgil explain to Andy how when someone watches he gets anxious.  Who is the someone or shadow that impacted Virgil so deeply?  That is called shadow.

The episode is written that Virgil's father was the best wood worker in his town and he idolized his father.  Another way to read it is he could not compare to his father or his father was critical and harsh.  Some father's do not work with boys well, lacking patience and are demanding.  What is most important is message--what was the message took from his father?  That is all based on relationship.  For little Virgil, acceptance with his father was based on performance.  Conditional standards to live up to.  That is the root of his anxiety.  If I fail at performing, I fail as son!  That is the embedded shame message.

It is here in most cases the most powerful person in our lives (parents) can pass their shame onto the next generation.  Only a powerful person can impact us this way.  Most likely, Virgil never connected the dots of his shadow.  This is common.  We see this in other episodes (Everybody Loves Raymond and All in the Family).  Both Frank and Archie cannot face their father shadow.  Despite the fact that their fathers abused them, they cannot face their abuser. Grown men still act like little boys inside.  This pretty much erases the false self-protective notion that men can get over their past with age.  That is directly addressed in the ELR episode where Debra tells Ray he has told a childhood story repeatedly.  If he was over it, then why is it still so much a part of the present?

It is important to understand the strong emotional block when dealing with this in another individual's life.  It is not an intellectual discussion, it is emotion, and that emotion hold a lot of pain.  No wonder men (people) avoid and rationalize when you get too close to the heart of the matter!

Lastly, we Andy once again take the place of the humble and caring father figure.  He plays this role in Barney's life, sometime as an enabler, but here with Virgil to help him develop confidence.  This is mentoring.  Andy demonstrates that people are more important than tasks and is willing to make a work sacrifice of time for Virgil's well-being as a man developing.  We also note that until the deeper "why" of Virgil was discovered, there was little grace and mercy towards Virgil, he was just the awkward guy who broke stuff.  Can we then suggest that we all carry a deeper "why" and if someone, just one person has a caring heart to work with us, we can grow as a person?  Once again, without vulnerability, there is no deeper change.  If there was not the chat with Andy and Virgil beforehand, Virgil would never be able to help Otis get out of jail.